by Benita A. Esposito, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor
“In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” ―Sue Johnson, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships
Do you judge yourself for being needy? Well, I did for the longest time.
This article explains why we’re ashamed of being needy. This shame creates dysfunctional marriages. The children of these marriages don’t get the love they need. The children grow up to form unhealthy marriages, and the cycle repeats.
To understand the root of the problem, read this quote by a male psychologist who helps men become more self-aware.
“One of men’s most persistent and plaintive laments about women is that they are too needy. Embedded within this complaint is our Western cultural value on independence and our disdain for dependence as a sign of weakness and vulnerability. As is often the case, we tend to identify values we do not respect as feminine and those we aspire towards as male. In this case, men are raised to aspire towards independence, often to the point of being emotionally self-reliant, and taught that to allow themselves to have needs that would lead to depending on others is less masculine.” (Weiss, 2018)
1. Men judge their own neediness. Men judge women’s neediness and then they distance from women.
2. Women want love from men and don’t get it. Women judge their own neediness. Self-esteem takes a nosedive.
3. Neither feels whole deep down inside so they don’t model healthy love for their children.
*** If you are one of the fortunate people who grew up in an emotionally intelligent home where people didn’t judge neediness, bravo! Please share this article with someone who can benefit from it.***
When a marriage isn’t rich with love, the children always suffer. Then as adults, they don’t know how to form healthy intimate relationships.
This dynamic ripples through the entire population. It appears as anxiety, depression, violence against others and violence against ourselves.
We can all do our part to uplift our culture by healing our own lives.
1. We can learn how to be compassionate with ourselves when we feel needy.
2. We can heal our own wounds from not having our emotional needs met.
3. We can choose to change our unhealthy coping behaviors when we feel hurt.
4. We can learn how to excavate our Authentic Selves and restore inner peace.
5. We can learn how to develop healthy relationships.
6. We can share healthy values and behaviors with our family, friends and coworkers.
Here’s one way to heal the pain.
Inner Child Healing Meditation
Make a commitment to yourself to embrace the part of yourself who feels needy. You are going to re-parent yourself.
Imagine the part who feels rejected and abandoned. Be compassionate. Invite that part to come home like the prodigal son. Intend to love yourself. Embrace the needy part. You don’t have to be perfect to feel lovable. That is a faulty formula. Let it go.
Breathe deeply for five minutes while listening to soothing music. Get into a relaxed state. Say a prayer and ask for healing.
Remember a time when you felt deprived of the love you needed. Go back to the earliest time you can remember. Touch into the unbearable feelings that you had then. Promise to stay present with your inner child so he or she feels cherished and safe. Invite your inner child to be seen and heard and understood. Intend to connect with and meet the child’s unmet needs.
Invite God and your Wise Self to be present and heal your inner child. Form a nurturing relationship with the child.
2. Write a script as if you were writing dialogue for a play.
Write a dialogue between the child, God and your Wise Self. The characters talk back and forth with each other until there is a resolution. You’ll probably need to write several scripts before your inner child feels completely healed. A solid nurturing relationship needs to develop over time.
The loving relationship that you and God form with this inner child is the healing salve. The pain that has been stored in the memory can be transformed.
When we each do our inner healing, we restore ourselves to wholeness. Then we can emotionally connect with others when they are needy instead of pushing them away. Our ability to stay present with ourselves and deeply listen to another person facilitates healing. Even if we can’t fix the problem, our loving emotional connection soothes troubled souls.
If you want to learn more about how to do inner child healing, contact Benita Esposito to schedule a private session. For the fastest progress, attend a weekend retreat.
My book contains several examples of my own inner dialogues. The book is called The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Radiant Authentic Self.
If you want to heal your emotional wounds or receive marriage counseling, please contact me for a complimentary 10-minute interview to get started.
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Author: Benita A. Esposito, MA is a licensed professional counselor in Blairsville, Georgia. She is also a life coach and spiritual counselor and specializes in marriage counseling and couples counseling. She facilitates sessions for adult individuals to heal stress, anxiety, depression and trauma. Clients learn effective communication and conflict management skills so they can create thriving interdependent relationships.
Weiss, Avrum. Why Men Think Women are Too Needy. September 16, 2018. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-men-think-women-are-too-needy-wcz/