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Kitchen Chat and more…
Location: Virtual meeting on Zoom
Registration Deadline: December 17, 2022.
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How do you like the idea of being an empowered conscious creator while staying deeply rooted in your spiritual connection?
Our lives, especially during the holidays, are stressful for many of us. We may be so consumed with everyday activities that we don’t stop to reflect on what will generate a truly flourishing life.
That’s what happened to me for the first half of my life. I was busy with work, relationships, sports and household chores. I thought I was in touch with my Authentic Self, but when things didn’t go the way I wanted, I felt anxious or deflated. Perhaps I made a mistake at work and I felt ashamed. Or maybe my mom or my boyfriend didn’t give me the quality connection I craved. The part of me that didn’t feel whole took center stage, and I didn’t know how to find my way to the core of my being because I didn’t really know who I was.
Trying to feel fulfilled was like riding on a roller coaster … succeeding and failing … rising up and falling down … anxiety mixed with brief periods of ecstasy.
This uncomfortable roller coaster ride motivated me to study how to be the conscious creative force of my life. Normal wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted what Maslow called self-actualization.
There are many things I have to share with you about conscious creating, but one of the most important things is that we all have several parts in our inner family. Sometimes these parts want different things. They have distinctive values, goals and attitudes. If we don’t figure out how to resolve our inner conflicts, we’ll be far less successful than we could be. Here are some examples.
Our inner high achiever declares that she wants to make $150,000 in 2023 (or whatever your next benchmark is.) But if we charge ahead with that goal, we’ll suffer from the stress. We won’t get 8 hours of sleep. We won’t take 30 minutes to meditate daily or to exercise five days a week. We’ll probably work 6 days a week.
Our people-pleasing part wants to eliminate our irritability and impatience, but our inner critic gets so frustrated with people’s incompetence that she blows up.
Our inner adult, like Mr. Spock on Star Trek, wants to increase our knowledge base to propel our career success. We might want to enroll in a degree program or take several continuing education courses.
Northern Lights by lightscap on unsplash
Our inner free child wants to relax and unwind. She wants to go on vacation, visit the Grand Canyon and see the Northern lights. She wants to create a healthy romance where she can cuddle up at night with her beloved feeling safe, secure and sexy.
Our inner nurturing parent vows to get at least one massage a month, visit the chiropractor for regular health maintenance, do art work, and visit friends.
Our inner accountant tells us that we don’t have money for two vacations this year. We’re going to have to create a budget and save money. The inner free child doesn’t want to adhere to the discipline of a budget.
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You might ask these questions:
How can I find the time to do it all?
How can I create balance?
I ask you these empowering questions:
What is the Holy Spirit urging you to do? Did you ask?
What will help you feel whole no matter if you fail or succeed?
What would you try if you couldn’t fail?
What are you truly passionate about?
What do you want to say “yes” to in 2023 and what do you need to say “no” to … for now?
I want you to be successful AND I also want you to feel unconditional self-acceptance every step of the way.
If you want to upgrade your skills to create a truly flourishing life … not just set and forget New Year’s resolutions … join us for the Conscious Creating Retreat on January 1, 2023. Registration deadline: December 17, 2022. Complete the questionnaire on the Contact Page and tell me you’re interested in the Conscious Creating Retreat. I’ll respond within 48 hours, Monday-Thursday.
We’re always aspiring to new heights. We’ll never fully “arrive” except for special moments of enlightenment. That’s when you feel whole … no matter what is happening around you. Hopefully, you get to experience many moments of enlightenment in your lifetime. It’s my greatest joy to design environments where this happens. That’s GOLD.
Knowing your Authentic Self … your spirit-led-self … who is intimately connected with the Holy Spirit is the root of true fulfillment … whether you are succeeding or failing, or happy or sad.
I love guiding people to dream big and craft actionable steps.
We come together in the Conscious Creating Retreat to ride the wave of group consciousness so it’s easier for all of us to expand our abilities to achieve our goals. We tune into God and listen to the highest callings for our lives.
We take the time to ask important questions so that we can create a life full of rich texture. We meditate and contemplate. There’s no rush. We acknowledge what is working well in our lives and we celebrate that.
We take a deeper look and ask, “If I were living the most fulfilling life … being true to my Authentic Self … what would that look like?”
How do I limit myself?
What support do I need? From whom?
This is where I come in:
I will help you identify your limiting thoughts. Believe me, those pesky thoughts sneak up on us without us even knowing it. That’s why it helps to have an astute guide walking by your side.
Here’s an example of how we unknowingly sabotage ourselves.
We are taught to solve problems from a young age. We want to get rid of what we don’t want … what hurts us … what annoys us or others … or limits us.
In the book, The Path of Least Resistance, Robert Fritz explains that problem-solving is a REACTIVE model. That’s different from creating what you want to bring into being.
One example of this is trying to get rid of our critical nature as referenced above. We think we’ll be OK if we can just get rid of it.
The problem with this approach is that when the going gets tough and we don’t feel successful, we get anxious or dismayed. We’ve failed again. Our motivation plummets. We don’t have enough energy to propel us in the direction of effective action. We may give up entirely or at least for a while.
For example, when people want to lose weight and they eat a piece of cake or five cookies, they say, “Screw it. I failed so I’ll eat whatever I want for the rest of the day.” Their inner child who seeks pleasure gets to run free while the critic beats them up and another inner child feels guilty and ashamed. This results in yo-yo weight loss experiences. Most people who lose weight put it back on, plus a few extra pounds within a year or two.
There’s a better way. If we want long-term results, not short-term fixes, we must do things differently.
In the Conscious Creating Retreat, I will help you pinpoint the behaviors and beliefs that thwart your success. You’ll learn how to proceed in the direction of the path of least resistance.
I will help you learn how to eliminate life-long patterns. You will be able to unlock the door to your metaphorical jail cell and walk out into the daylight of freedom.
That’s what I want for you – the freedom to be you – fully living your Authentic Life in alignment with your Spirit-led-self and God.
In the Conscious Creating Retreat, I’ll teach you a PROACTIVE model grounded in your most precious values.
You’ll learn how to identify your north star, your guiding light, the values that are strong enough to propel you in the direction of creating your desired goals … even when the going gets tough.
You’ll experience passion to think outside the box, find solutions, and take risks to create your fondest dreams while attuned to your Authentic Self and your spiritual connection.
We’ve got some healing and excavating to do.
Come and clean out the closets in your mind.
Make way for the new.
Create a vacuum.
Create a space.
Invite in the freshly designed life that God has waiting just for you!
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Schedule: One day, January 1, 2023. 10am – 5pm Eastern with two one-hour breaks.
Where: Zoom
Tuition: $225. Registration deadline on December 17, 2022.
To apply: Please return the questionnaire on the contact page. Mention your interest in the Conscious Creating Retreat. I’ll respond to you within 48 hours Monday-Thursday.
Facilitator: Benita A. Esposito, MA, LPC, LCMHC
Suggested reading: To get the most out of this retreat, read The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz. It’s OK to buy the inexpensive version.
“… you will find not only the closure to move on, but the bravery and strength to dive deep into new beginnings where you are no longer guided by the past but guided by His Spirit, as He breathes new life into you with every new step you take.” ~ Morgan Harper Nichols
Do you have an Inner Critic who is like a sports reporter that plays a running commentary on how well you are doing? If so, you are not alone. Many of us high-achievers suffer from critical jabs and barbs. The Inner Critic pushes us to succeed, but when we’re not perfect, our Inner Child takes a big hit.
In this story, you’ll meet Marie. She is a bright, kind, creative woman who doesn’t deserve to be plagued by a harsh taskmaster. You’ll see how she and the Holy Spirit tamed her Inner Critic and turned self-loathing into self-compassion. Come along with us on Marie’s journey to her Authentic Self.
Maria’s Background (in her words)
I originally began seeing Benita Esposito in the summer of 2021 when I was 31 years old. I wanted to heal childhood wounds, create an earned secure attachment style, and tap into my Authentic Self.
My perfectionism, self-loathing, depression, and anxiety were at an all-time high. My Inner Critic scolded me saying, “You should be able to handle difficult situations by yourself. You should be self-sufficient. Grow up and stop whining.”
I felt lonely and insecure inside. When the following thoughts came for me, I spiraled into defeat and depression: “What’s the point? Why should I even be here?”
I knew that much of my emotional pain stemmed from the toxic relationship I had with my biological father during my childhood. His emotional abuse and emotional unavailability made me feel unsafe, and that I wasn’t worth his time or energy. I felt like I had to fend for myself when I visited him on weekends. If I was afraid or hurt, I had to be the one to take care of myself. I learned that my needs would be met with anger and frustration.
I always yearned for belonging.
I had no idea how much of my identity was wrapped around my dad’s behavior towards me until I began attending sessions with Benita.
Now, as an educator and student affairs practitioner, I love creating a sense of belonging for students. I want them to feel seen and heard, especially in my writing consultations with them. I’ve turned my emotional pain into my passion to help students feel cherished so they can become their best selves.
One pivotal session showed me a new lens through which to view myself.
At the outset of our session, I mentioned to Benita that I was still learning to be okay with opening up and sharing how I really felt. I told her that I needed her to help me with tapping more into my Authentic Self in our sessions. I admitted to her that I was learning how to bring down my walls, but I was anxious.
My Mask
It was challenging to be authentic because I regularly displayed a veneer that created distance within myself and with others. I realized that I would not be able to get my core needs met if I continued to operate with my mask.
I requested that Benita ask more probing questions to help me fully show up, such as “How are you REALLY doing?” I agreed that I would practice responding with how I REALLY felt … not just waiting for Benita to ask me … and not just saying that I felt fine with a camouflage smile.
My Fears
I admitted that I was afraid of feeling anxious if I showed up as my Authentic Self.
When I imagined someone asking me, “How are you?” and I said, “I’m tired,” I would feel like I was burdening them rather than sticking to the usual “I’m OK.”
I was so afraid that by sharing how I really felt that I would make the other person do more of the “work” in the conversation.
Reflecting upon my insecurities, my Inner Critic told me, “You’re egotistical if you share too much of yourself. Don’t be self-centered.”
Another part of me was afraid of too much exposure if I shared my Authentic Self. I would feel too vulnerable like, the spotlight was on me.
I didn’t like coming across as weak. If I were weak, then I imagined I wouldn’t be accepted. My father rejected me when I was hurt. I imagined other people would reject me, too. If I was too much, too real, or too vulnerable, I wouldn’t be accepted.
If I wasn’t accepted by others,
I berated myself.
Self-loathing skyrocketed.
Here’s how Brainspotting helped Marie heal. Written by Benita Esposito
I used a method called Brainspotting to help Marie heal the emotional pain that resulted in depression, anxiety and feeling like she didn’t belong. Let me explain a little about how Brainspotting works. It’s not like talk therapy.
Dr. David Grand, the originator of Brainspotting, discovered that where we look affects how we feel emotionally and physically.
When we look in a certain direction, emotional wounds can be activated so we can heal them. If we focus in another location, calmness or creativity can be stimulated. The Brainspotting practitioner helps the client determine these visual spots. Brainspotting also helps us tap into the healing power of our spiritual connection.
Much of the processing takes place on a physical and emotional level beyond our awareness.
Our prefrontal cortex (the conscious part of us) can’t perceive the healing or explain it.
That’s why some clients call Brainspotting a mystery.
Here’s a brief description of Marie’s process.
I helped Marie choose two spots that were relevant to her issue.
1. She found a visual RESOURCE spot that helped her feel calm, grounded and safe. I used a teacher’s pointer to mark this spot for her to focus on. This correlated with where she felt most calm and grounded in her body.
2. She located a visual ACTIVATION spot which provoked her anxiety and self-loathing. Again, I used a teacher’s pointer to mark this spot for her to focus on. This correlated with where she felt most activated in her body.
Marie wore stereo earphones to listen to calming biolateral music engineered by Dr. Grand. The music moves between the ears, stimulating both sides of the brain. This accelerates the healing process.
Marie stared at her chosen spots and allowed thoughts and feelings to surface spontaneously. She watched the thoughts and feelings come and go without judgment … moment after moment.
I told Marie that she could share what she experienced or remain silent. Either way works fine.
Brainspotting accesses the amygdala
where emotions and memories are stored.
The procedure is so effective because it
processes difficult unconscious material
in a way that doesn’t overwhelm us.
The Brainspotting practitioner helps
the client remain in their window of tolerance.
We combined Internal Family Dialogue with Brainspotting.
We all have parts inside our inner family. For example, we have an Inner Critic, an analytical Adult, a spontaneous fun-loving Free Child, a people-pleaser Adapted Child, a Rebellious Child, and a Nurturing Parent.
Sometimes one part, such as the Inner Critic, dominates the other parts like an abusive husband would belittle his wife. This was at the heart of Marie’s self-loathing.
To heal emotional wounds and coping patterns, we bring love and understanding to each part from the Authentic Self, which is also called the Wise Self or the Spirit-led Self.
We help the inner family communicate with each other and build healthy relationships.
Often, we start with the Inner Critic because its voice is so loud. We acknowledge the critic for the role it has played. The critic unconsciously tries to protect other parts. These are often exiled scared parts who are too afraid to show up.
We want to help the wounded exiled parts come out so we can help them heal.
Other inner family members might be afraid to let the exiles emerge for fear that they will overwhelm the family with their pain. Clients sometimes say, “If I let myself cry, I might cry forever or I might not ever come out of it.”
We ask the exiled parts not to overwhelm the family. Most of the time, they will agree. We help them come out a little at a time so the whole family can adjust.
As we help the hurt exiled parts heal, the critic no longer has to work overtime to protect that part. It can relax and step back. It no longer needs to dominate other parts with its heavy-handed orders.
Over time, the parts learn how to build bridges where there were walls before. Marie was learning how to create a healthy inner family where all parts were working together to meet everyone’s needs while receiving guidance from her spirit-led Self and the Holy Spirit.
The BRAINSPOTTING PROCESS
The Set-Up
· Marie put on her headphones and listened to David Grand’s biolateral music.
· She identified the issue as self-loathing when people don’t accept her.
· She located this issue in her body. It was below her heart. It was tight and felt like pressure. We call this the body activation spot. The color was red.
· Marie rated the intensity of the activation of her issue. It was level 8 where 10 is high.
· She located the most calm and grounded part of her body: her tummy. We call this the body resource spot.
The scene in Marie’s words: My seven-year-old Inner Child is wrestling with my Inner Critic as they always do.
I notice the thoughts, “You’ll never get it right. You’ll always be alone.”
The wounded Inner Child is losing the match.
Benita: Do you hear a voice sending you those critical messages? Whose voice is it?
Marie: My biological dad fed me those critical messages. He’s trying to silence me. My walls formed when I was seven.
Benita: You introjected messages from your father. You swam in the only fish bowl you had.
Marie: I want to break this vicious cycle.
Marie addressed her father as if he were in the session. “Dad, these messages are not beneficial to me. They never were. I give them back to you. You are their owner.”
I see a giant stack of papers. I’m giving them back to him. I have a sense of relief and release. My shoulders are looser.
There is still emotional pain in my heart center. The wound is still there from all that pollution and garbage.
Marie tunes into another part. “This is the purest part of me … the one who is most symbolic of who I am … before any bad influences occurred. It’s like a breeze … you can feel it but you can’t see it. It’s my spirit. It’s strong and resilient and wise. It zig-zags, pulling me with it. Now there’s nothingness … a peaceful nothingness.”
My pain is level 7. It’s in my stomach.
My Nurturing Parent touches the places inside of me that are wounded to heal them. There’s red light around them. It hurts.
Now, there’s less tension. “This is for your good,” she says. “You’ll feel better in time. It’s gonna be OK.”
Marie looked at the resource pointer with one eye which increased the intensity of the processing.
Marie: I feel calm. I am hopeful about moving towards self-acceptance. I feel calm in my core and in my gut.
Benita’s commentary: Marie was developing more body awareness so she could stay grounded and present.
The following internal conversation developed spontaneously.
· Holy Spirit: You’ll be OK. You will get there. You will overcome.
· Marie breathed a long exhale.
· Benita’s commentary: The parasympathetic nervous system coming online to soothe the body.
· A Bible verse comes to mind: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
· Sigh (parasympathetic nervous system coming online)
· Benita’s commentary: The parasympathetic nervous system coming online to soothe the body.
· I feel a peaceful nothingness … no negative thought spirals. It feels great.
· Sigh.
· Benita’s commentary: The parasympathetic nervous system coming online to soothe the body.
· Level 4
· Looking at the Resource pointer: You are loved.
· Looking at the Activation pointer: You are nothing, worthless.
· Looking at the Resource pointer: It’s OK to be OK inside yourself. I’m still OK even if Dad doesn’t think so.
Marie talked to her father as if he were here.
“Dad, even if you don’t think I am OK, I know I am. It’s OK to be me. I don’t need you to tell me who I am. I don’t need you to silence me. Don’t silence me anymore! You’ve really hurt me over the years. You’ve caused me to second guess myself. Now, I’m choosing to put my thoughts and feelings first. You may not have a stronghold on me anymore.”
Benita to Marie: Repeat this statement three times so it soaks into your mind and body: “I’m choosing to put my thoughts and feelings first. You may not have a stronghold on me anymore.”
Marie repeats the sentences three times, each time with more feeling and louder.
Marie: My body feels like a weight has been lifted. I feel lighter and stronger from within. I know who I am.
Marie spoke to her father again in her mind:
“You don’t know who I am. I have come a long way and I am moving forward. I don’t need you and your lies to get in the way.”
Marie: That felt really good. My body feels less heavy. I’m feeling strong and resilient in the innermost core of my being.
Now, I’m not being thrown by all these punches … no more wrestling with my Inner Critic. I feel bigger and stronger than those thoughts now.
I heard the Holy Spirit say, “Good job, Marie! You did well. Keep relying on me and depending on me so you can see clearly who you are because I’m working through you. You are not who your father said you were.”
Marie repeated three times: “I am not who my father said I am.”
Marie: My body feels so much strength in my core. It’s like an uprising … waves are coming up. I’m ready to take on whatever challenge is ahead of me.
The ending level was a 2 after 30 minutes.
Marie reported, “My chest is lighter and peaceful. The color is white.”
DEBRIEF
Marie: This was a core transformation. I feel a lightness of Self and my Being is strong. I’ve never felt this way before. I have a new kind of discernment. I no longer feel inclined to embrace what is not authentically me.
I’m looking forward to doing more work like this and helping the Inner Critic. He’s taking a nap now … his first nap ever! He doesn’t have to work so hard now that he knows naps are possible. LOL
Benita to Marie: We addressed the CORE IDENTITY that you formed at age seven (or maybe younger). You made a new core decision about your identity. Your primary attachment is now with the Holy Spirit, which replaces the primary attachment with your dad who peppered you with all the critical demeaning messages. Good job, Marie!
MARIE’S COMMENTS
Benita guided me through core identity work. It was such an incredible experience. During our session, I remember thinking that I wish I could feel this weightless blissful nothingness all the time.
I recall after my session looking above me and noticing that I no longer felt the heaviness that used to suffocate my self-esteem and weigh me down. I had a clear mind without being bombarded with self-loathing and negative feedback loops. I felt free, light, and strong all at the same time.
The next day I woke up to a feeling of hope and security, like the sanctuary I had been searching for had been found inside of me.
Brainspotting helps build community inside of my Self. The whispers that flow between each of the family members become more audible to my conscious mind. This internal communication creates the ideal conditions for self-discovery, transformation, and healing.
I know that because of my work with Benita that my life has been transformed, and that I am able to appreciate who I am. I believe the events that took place in my session with Benita gave me the opportunity to redefine myself, and I’ve been reawakened to my true identity.
Benita is an amazing guide. Her discernment and uncanny ability to tune into the spiritual realm is the impetus for miracles. Benita’s gentle yet strong presence, coupled with her intentionality, created the ultimate safe space for me to bring my walls down and discover the deep healing that I sorely needed.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist in Georgia and North Carolina with four decades experience.
If you would like to schedule a complimentary 10-minute Discovery Call for counseling or to inquire about an intensive retreat, please complete the Contact Form.
Benita offers “distance counseling” via Zoom videoconference to residents of Georgia and North Carolina. If you live in another state, you may receive spiritual counseling and life coaching.
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Photo credits: Little girl by Benita Esposito. Eye by Drew Dizzy Graham on Unsplash. Trauma collage by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash.
The Esposito Institute
PO Box 1074
Young Harris, GA 30582