In this brief article, you’ll learn 8 keys to transforming the limiting patterns in your life so you stop wasting precious time.
When we experience difficulties as children (or in the womb or in childbirth) and we don’t return to feeling safe and secure in our body and with our loved ones, we split off from ourselves to avoid feeling the anguish. Unconsciously, our Authentic Self flies away because it feels too scared to stay 100% present.
Part of our personality becomes exiled. As adults, we don’t remember that our Authentic Self left because we were so young when it happened. We don’t feel whole any more, and we develop a model of self that we think is our true identity, but it’s not. Examples are: I don’t count. I’m not lovable. I’m not capable. I’m not worthy. I’m not important.
When exiled parts are too scared to show up, other protector parts take over. They act in ways that try to help us survive, but they often end up hurting us as adults. Examples: The people-pleaser. The good helper. The one who reacts in anger and doesn’t take responsibility for our emotions. The one who takes everyone elses inventory and doesn’t analyze our own flaws. The workaholic. The one who lies and wears a mask. The relationship addict. The perfectionist.
As adults, we forget these coping strategies started in childhood and why. We continue to unconsciously reenact the habitual coping patterns.
Our mission is to help the exiled parts (the wounded parts) feel safe enough to return so all the internal family can be reunited and we can feel whole again.
We can choose to take the hero’s journey to (1) become aware of the false identity we developed, (2) heal the wounds, and (3) excavate our Authentic Self. An intimate relationship must develop between the exiled parts and the Authentic Self. The Authentic Self contains (a) the inner nurturing parent and (b) the wise inner adult who are expressions of the Holy Spirit within us.
Love is the key. Emotional intimacy combined with wisdom heals us and sets us free.
We can learn the skills to transform the survival pattern that once helped us, but now hurts us.
1. We learn how to feel safe in our body by calming our nervous system when we get too hyper-aroused (anxiety) or hypo-aroused (depression) and return to a zone of resilience.
2. We identify the childhood survival coping strategies.
3. We face our fears and invite them to tea. We tame our “dragons.”
4. We intend to reconnect consciously with our Authentic Self … our spirit … our essence … the person God originally designed us to be when we were conceived.
5. We engage in healing methods to neutralize the memory of the emotional pain, the related physical reactions and subsequent survival coping strategies.
6. We get in touch with what is most valuable in life.
7. We learn how to wisely allocate our resources (time, energy, relationships and money) to create a life that supports the expression of our Authentic Self.
8. In so doing, we take our rightful place in the world along with everyone else in a co-creative interdependent way. We contribute our unique creative gifts to uplift the quality of life in our family and community.
If you’d like to read more about these concepts, read this article: Inner Voice Dialogue.
Benita A. Esposito, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor
The Esposito Institute, Inc.
Flourishing Lives for S.M.A.R.T. Women & the Men Who Love Them
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